Good Communications in Relationships...
Communication plays a vital part in the relationship dynamic. The closer we are the more important it becomes. The ‘unspoken’ things said between people refers to meta-communication. The context of the spoken word or glance. How does it sound... loud, soft, clear, muddled, friendly, sarcastic? Is is a throw-away line or is it being said looking into your eyes? Look at the body language to see what other meanings are being communicated.
Perhaps more importantly is how are you responding to the meta-communication styles presented by your partner? How are they responding to yours? In happily contented couples the benefit-of-the-doubt will take precedence over the I wonder if you still love me. When anxiety appears in relationships often we misinterpret what is being said, we incorrectly read the intention behind the words.
Are you making assumptions about your partner based on fact or hunch?
The assumption you make may be wrong. It may be wrong in this particular context. We are all subject to nature and nurture in our upbringing. If your Mum has told you that it is not good to be contacting you ex-boyfriend when you are trying to establish an new relationship, guess what happens when your next boyfriend gets an email from his ex. You may see his actions (his ex’s actions and him clicking on the email) are a sign of disrespect to you. But is that true, or is your new boyfriend one of those people who is able to maintain long term relationships with a lot of people, including his previous intimate partners without it interferring with his love for you?
We tend to trust our instincts yet sometimes it is difficult to recognise if our instincts are right, or merely the influence of our family’s values or our religious education or peer group standards. How can we know if we are reacting truly to our own, carefully thought-out and well considered beliefs? I am reminded of what Socrates said about the unexamined life.
Your mother and father (your family, their family) have an enormous influence on your current ideas, beliefs, your life philosophy. Is it your philosophy? My question (Socrates’s question) might include the query: Is it working for me? Am I getting what I want from life with these beliefs? Am I happy following this set of rules? If the answer is No or I don’t know then I think I owe it to myself to examine how I am currently doing things. Is there another, perhaps better way of doing things? Am I reading too much into what other people are saying and doing?
Mind reading
In the following scenario Harry has makes a comment about how he thinks Mary is feeling. His information is gleaned from his knowledge of Mary, what she has done and said in the past, how she is acting now, what she says... and what he thinks, his assumptions. Is he right or is he wrong?
Mary hears what Harry says and reacts according to her knowledge of Harry, what he has done and said in the past, how he is acting, what he is saying, how he is saying it... and what she assumes he means. Has she got it right?
They both draw conclusions from the context: what they see, what is being said, what they think is being said.
Mind reading can be an affirmative and comforting:
HARRY: Whenever we go to visit Bob and Jane you are moody.
MARY: Yes, I don’t really like Bob. I think he is a bit of a snob. I’m glad you noticed it. I will try to be friendly with them.Mind reading can be divisive:
HARRY: When ever we visit Bob and Jane you are moody.
MARY: No. I’m not moody. You are always saying that. Leave me alone. You are always going on at me. Anyway. Bob’s a snob and I hate that in people.
Harry has used his knowledge and intuition of Mary and made a statement he believes is factual. Mary will interpret the statement the way she is feeling or the away she is reading Harry’s statement. Harry may well right in his hunch, and in the first instance Mary agrees and is grateful for Harry’s understanding. He may even go on and say —
HARRY: We might try and not see so much of them or I’ll try and stick by you when you are with him so you don’t feel so uncomfortable.
MARY: Thanks darling. I really appreciate that.
In the second instance Mary has read Harry as if he is criticising her and it begins a fight. A fight they have probably been having for years. They’ve not taken into account each other’s meta-communication style. A perfect scenario for an argument that may never be resolved because they are speaking different languages.
When relationships are not working it is usually the case that the negative message is received whatever the message content and meaning. Of course, in the previous example, Harry could have been sarcastic and scolding, raising his eyes and turning away from Mary. Mary, rightly interprets Harry’s intention to begin a fight and off they go.
Harry would be better gently enquiring of Mary:
Harry: I’ve noticed you go quiet around Bob. Are you OK?
...which, if said kindly, gives Mary the chance to air her views rationally and clearly. Depending on Mary’s communication style the conversation may be confronting, argumentative, good humoured, repairing, divisive, resolving or inconclusive. In relationships where things are not good, more than likely it will be very clear how she feels about Bob and the enquiry made by Harry. If she wants to smooth things over she will do so and nothing will be changed.
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